How to say no nicely

Say yes but mean no?

How often do you say yes when you really mean no? Generally, we have a clear sense of what our priorities are and what we should be working on at any given time, but our plans are scuppered by saying yes when we mean no. Why do we do that?

Humans are fundamentally social creatures, and we have a desire to please, fit into the community, be helpful and make a difference. We are hard-wired to say yes in the moment, and please the person in front of us, when to make the most valuable contribution we should really be saying no nicely.

The impact of saying yes can affect our ability to perform sustainably – it might require us to dig deeper than we are able to do, either energetically, or by cashing in too many ‘credits’ with others to help us out of a tight spot. Or we might be saying yes to something that infringes our boundaries and that can cause resentment and, over the long term, burnout.

Saying no nicely isn’t about being inflexible or being out of the door as soon as you reach your contracted working hours. It’s having a clear sense of your boundaries, what you can be flexible about, and what are non-negotiables, and having ways of saying no that leaves both you and the person asking you to do something with mutual respect intact.

It can be daunting to say no, as often the people placing unexpected demands on you are more senior. But there are ways to try and manage expectations and make the consequences of saying yes to important tasks or other urgent tasks known.

Say no nicely and negotiate an alternative

Here are some examples of how to say no nicely and negotiate alternatives so you are consistent with your boundaries:

• I can do that, but project x will be ready later

• I will struggle with that now as I have a personal commitment, can someone else help until I get back?

• When is the real deadline?

• What part of that needs to be done now, what can come later?

• I’d love to be able to help, can I do it on x date?

• If I do this now, the consequence is x. Are you OK with that?

• A.N.Other is better placed than me to do this because she/he has x skills.

When you don’t say no nicely

Sometimes it can be helpful to see what it looks like when you don’t say no nicely and are not consistent with your boundaries. Can you spot yourself or anyone else saying:

• I have a prior engagement but it’s OK I’ll do it later tonight

• I’ll have to do it because it’s for my boss’ boss/senior person/VIP

• I’ll come in early to get it done

• Sure, no problem (then grumbles or grimaces or rolls eyes)

• I’ll just work through my lunch hour

• OK, I’ll do it instead of this (important, not urgent) task

• I’ll do it because it’s you and you asked nicely

Sound familiar? Want to manage situations differently in the future?

How to fix the problem

The starting point of change is to acknowledge you have an issue that needs sorting, next is to raise your awareness of the problem, to identify how big it is and what potential solutions might be.

Here is a ‘Spotter Sheet’ to help you. Either download our example sheet or take an A4 sheet of paper and divide it into four quadrants with a small section across the bottom where you can record your overall take-out or ‘lightbulb’ moments. Try to capture examples for each of these:

1. Example of how someone made boundaries clear in a constructive way

2. Example of good negotiation where each person achieved a win

3. Example of how someone said no nicely

4. Example of what the missed opportunity was in a boundary infringement

Finally, add your key take-out or lightbulb moment in the section at the bottom.

To test different ways to improve your ability to focus on the things that really make a difference, use the Spotter Sheet in combination with the examples of how to say no nicely that are given above. You may find this is a useful approach to use outside of work as well, and it might be a good place to start and practice techniques to stay in control and meet your goals if you’re making your first steps to changing how you manage demands on your time.

Still stuck?

We offer management development and coaching support – if you want to book a coaching session for yourself or a learning and development programme for your team then get in touch.